| “ | IT'S THE MASTER CLASS. DON'T YOU LOSERS DO ANY HOMEWORK ON THIS GAME. YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD ALL BE EXPERTS. WITH HOW MUCH MY SISTER HARANGUED YOU ON THIS TEDIOUS SHIT. SINCE I HAVE HAD GREAT SUCCESS SO FAR. IN PROGRESSING THROUGH THIS DEAD SESSION. I DECIDED. IT WAS TIME TO BITE THAT BULLET. AND RETURN HOME. TO RETRIEVE ALL OF HER TERRIBLE TEXTS ON THE SUBJECT OF THIS GAME. AND OF YOUR STORY. I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING. BUT THAT'S OK. BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER. IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT. SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK. WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS. WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME. AND THAT'S YOUR CHOICE TOO. PAGE HUMAN ENGLISH. (...) FOR YOU. PROBABLY EVEN MORE SO. BECAUSE AS A LOWLY PAGE. AND AS AN EVEN LOWLIER HUMAN. YOU ARE UTTERLY WORTHLESS. AND SO YOUR TRIALS I BELIEVE MUST INCLUDE. PROVING TO PARADOX SPACE THAT YOU EVEN DESERVE TO EXIST. IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND WHILE MY TRIALS WILL BE SIMILARLY GRUELING. A LORD'S WORTHINESS IS AT NO POINT EVER IN DOUBT. HIS NOBILITY IS MANIFEST. SUPREME MASTERY WAITS FOR HIM PATIENTLY. LIKE AN EMPTY THRONE UNDER HEAVY GUARD. REALITY ALREADY KNOWS I WILL PREVAIL. JUST AS IT KNEW I WOULD PREDOMINATE. AND SO INEVITABILITY IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE. | „ |
| ~ Caliborn explaining his motives to Jake English |
| “ | MY POWER HAS GROWN CONSIDERABLY SINCE I LAST JEERED YOU. I HAVE MADE REMARKABLE STRIDES ON MY SACRED JOURNEY TOWARD IMPORTANT ADULTHOOD. ON THIS BULLSHIT PLANET. WHICH USED TO BE YOUR HOME. I HAVE FOUND MANY KEYS. AND UNLOCKED MANY HOLES. AND NOW I CAN SEE MORE. AND LEARN MORE. THAN YOU COULD EVER FUCKING DREAM! | „ |
| “ | BULLSHIT. I DID THEM ALL A FAVOR. BY GIVING THEM MY JUJU. THEY WERE GOING NOWHERE. AND BEING STUPID. AND DOING LITERALLY NOTHING WHATSOEVER. EXCEPT FOR WALLOWING IN GROTESQUE EMOTIONS. LOOK HOW MUCH GREAT STUFF THEY GOT DONE BECAUSE OF ME! | „ |
| “ | WHO THE FUCK IS MARIO. | „ |
| “ | THIS CONCLUDES THE FIRST THING OF THE STORY. WHICH IS CALLED AN "ACT". THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE. AND THEY ONLY GET LONGER. AND THEN BEGIN TO SPLIT? INTO ACT ACTS. AND ACT ACT ACTS. TRUST ME. THE STRUCTURE RAPIDLY DETERIORATES INTO UTTER NONSENSE. OR AT LEAST IT WOULD. IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEGUN. AS SUCH A REEKING PILE OF SHIT OUT OF THE BOX. BUT PLEASE DO NOT WORRY. I WILL BE THERE TO GUIDE YOU. THROUGH EVERY MIND NUMBING TWIST AND TURN. WHILE PRODDING THE MATERIAL WITH MY KEEN WIT. AND SATIRICIZE THE HELL OUT OF EVERYTHING. TO HOLD THE RESPONSIBLE PARTIES FULLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR THESE CRIMES. WHILE MAXIMALLY VALIDATING MY ANGRINESS ABOUT IT. MAYBE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SEE SOME OTHER STUFF. LIKE WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THESE IDIOTS "NEXT"? THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY WHO CARES. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH BETTER. EITHER WAY, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. I AM IN TOTAL CHARGE HERE NOW. I BELIEVE AT THIS POINT. ANOTHER ONE OF MY VILLAINOUS, FULL THROATED LAUGHS WILL BE IN ORDER. | „ |
| “ | LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WE HAVE A HATER. AS YOU CAN SEE, THE FORMER GHOST OF THE MALE HERO HAS COME BACK TO HAUNT ME. THIS IS NOT HIS FIRST UNWELCOME INTRUSION. INTO MY PRIVATE IMPORTANT AFFAIRS. (...) TECHNICALLY. IT WILL NOT BE HIS LAST EITHER. BUT IT WILL MARK THE FIRST TIME HE IS FORCED TO PAY A TOLL FOR HIS RUDE TELEPORTATION CRIME. OH YES, TODAY HE WILL PAY. WITH HIS TEETH. AND WITH HIS BLOOD. | „ |
| “ | GAME OVER KID. | „ |
| “ | AH. SO NICE OF YOU TO JOIN ME.
TO JOIN ME, FOR... MY MASTERPIECE! THE FRUITS OF MY ARTISTIC TOILS ARE FINALLY AT HAND. YOU'RE WELCOME IN ADVANCE FOR THE NARRATIVE MAJESTY YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS. IT COST LITERALLY MILLIONS OF CALCOINS TO PRODUCE. AS WELL AS MOST OF MY ATTENTION SPAN FOR ANY FURTHER CREATIVE ENDEAVORS. BUT YOU WILL PROBABLY AGREE, TEARFULLY. THAT IT IS WORTH ALL OF THIS EXPENSE, AND MORE. TO SEE MY TINY ACTORS OF LIVING PUTTY, DANCE. GET READY. TO GET DAZZLED. AS I FUCKING DESTROY THE TRANSCENDENTAL BOUNDARIES OF "UNCONVENTIONAL MEDIA". (THAT JUJU CHEST SHOULDN'T BE MOVING. SORRY. I BUMPED IT.) LET US BEGIN. THE TALE MY MASTERPIECE DESCRIBES, IS BASICALLY A SPOILER TO THE ENDING OF THINGS. IT TAKES PLACE IN A FUTURE MOMENT. LONG BEYOND WHEN WE, YOU, OR I HAVE ANY BUSINESS SEEING WHAT HAPPENS. BUT I FOUND OUT AND LEARNED OF THIS SPOILER. I SAW IT ONCE, ON ONE OF MY PLANET'S MANY SCREENS. THE LAND OF "COLOURS". AND THE LAND OF "MAYHEM". IT KNOWS ALL. AND IT WILL SHOW ANYTHING TO ANY MAN. WHO IS WILLING TO FIND THE RIGHT KEY. AND IT TURNS OUT THAT JUST SUCH A MAN. IS THE MAN THAT IS ME! SO I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT I SAW. NOT WITH THE CRUDE 2 DIMENSIONAL SHAPES FROM MY COMPUTER PENCIL. BUT WITH THE LAVISH 2+ DIMENSIONAL FORMS OF MY GROUND BREAKING CLAY PUPPETS. BEHOLD AS I INNOVATE OBJECTS OF ARTISTIC EXPRESSION, WHICH YOU TRASHY FUCK MUNCHES NEVER THOUGHT TO PIONEER BEFORE IN A MILLION YEARS. HERE'S A SHOT OF ME BOWING IN ADVANCE FOR BEING GREAT! AH YES. MOVIE MAGIC AT ITS BEST. I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I SAW IN THE SCREEN. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, THAT IT HAPPENED PRECISELY AS I SHOW YOU HERE. SHOT FOR SHOT. THIS TAKES PLACE AFTER I GET THE MAGIC RAINBOW EYES. AND YET, STILL BEFORE I AM HUGE AND WEAR A DAPPER TRENCH COAT FOR WINNERS. BUT AS YOU CAN SEE. AT THIS POINT, IN MY RISE TO DOMINANT INVINCIBILITY. I'M FEELING PRETTY CHUFFED ABOUT MYSELF. MY POWER IS SICK, AND MY SPECIAL EYE BALLS ARE GNARLY AS CAN BE. I WOULD TELL YOU I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO BE THIS COOL, BUT AS YOU KNOW. I AM A MAN OF PATIENCE AND APLOMB. ALSO, LOOK CLOSELY. I'VE GOT MY JUJU CHEST THERE. WHICH I WILL WIN AS SOME CHOICE BOOTY, FROM VICTORIOUSLY SLAUGHTERING MY DENIZEN. KING YALDOBOB. INSIDE IS A MIGHTY WEAPON. WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY A LITTLE LATER. IN MY THEATER OF WOBBLING PUPPET DRAMA. IT'S LIKE THEY SAY ABOUT THE THEATER. IF YOU SEE A JUJU IN ACT ONE. THEN THE JUJU WILL PROBABLY BE USED RIGHT AWAY IN ACT ONE. TO MAKE EVERYTHING MORE EXCITING, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. ALSO, WHICH I SHOULD MENTION... ONE MORE BANNER PIECE OF SWAG IN MY POSSESSION. I'M NOT SURE HOW I COME ABOUT THIS LATER. MUCH LIKE THE CLOCKWORK LASERS, AND PRIMO FASHION JACKET. IT'S A RING, THAT FOUND ITS WAY TO ME SOMEHOW. A GOLDEN RING OF VOID. IT BECOMES MINE ONE DAY. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING, I NEVER KNEW I ALWAYS WANTED, YET SOMEHOW, PREEMPTIVELY COVETED. IT LETS ME STAY CLOSE TO THE DARKNESS. TO VANISH, AND APPEAR AGAIN, IN PLACES I HAVE NO BUSINESS FUCKING WITH. FULL OF PLUMP AND MEATY PEOPLE. ALIVE AND LIVING. WHO ONE DAY, WILL PLEAD WITH THE GODS. BEGGING THEM TO CURSE MY NAME. HERE I AM LORDING IT OVER MY MINIONS. THE CLASSIC HONK FRIEND. MY RABBIT PAL FOR LIFE. AND MY FLOPPY PUPPET BUDDY. I'M BOSSING THEM AROUND, BEING THE SHIT, AS ALWAYS. WHATEVER. WHEN SUDDENLY. EIGHT ASSHOLES SNUGGED UP IN THEIR GOOFY PAJAMAS APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE, FOR SOME WRESTLING ROYALE WITH YOURS TRULY. THEY ALL STEAL A RIDE WITH THE WIND PRICK'S SNAPPY GHOST MAGIC, TO CATCH ME UNAWARES. IT WORKED! JUDGING FROM MY SKULL EXPRESSION, I WAS REALLY REALLY SURPRISED. BUT THEN. MY SKULL TURNS GIDDY, AND SINISTER. BECAUSE I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT TRULY, THEY ARE ABOUT TO GET OWNED. THEY ARE ALL FRISKY, AND READY TO FIGHT. I CAN TELL THEY ARE PSYCHED ABOUT THIS. LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN PLANNING IT, AND BIDING THEIR TIME, AND NOW THEY THINK THEY ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERTAKE ME, IF ONLY BECAUSE OF THE SURPRISINGNESS OF THEIR AMBUSH. AND MAYBE THEY ARE EVEN RIGHT. MAYBE THEY COULD BEAT ME. THEY HAVE A LOT OF FIGHTING LEVELS AND MAGIC BOONS NOW, JUST LIKE ME. BUT SEE. I DON'T EVEN GIVE THEM THE CHANCE. LIKE I SAID. I HAVE A SUPERIOR WEAPON. AND I SEE NO REASON NOT TO USE IT RIGHT AWAY. WHAT WOULD BE A FUCKING POINT, IN HOLDING OUT? SUSPENSE?? BULLLL SHIT. I PULLED OUT THE BIG GUNS NIGH INSTANTANEOUSLY, BECAUSE I THINK LIKE A GREAT WINNER. BUT LIKE MOST THINGS THAT ARE GOOD. THE THING HAS LIMITATIONS. AND RULES AND STUFF. ALL JUJUS HAVE RULES. THE COOLER THE JUJU. THE TRICKIER THE RULES. FOR ONE THING. THIS WEAPON COULD ONLY BE USED AGAINST FOUR GUYS AT A TIME. BECAUSE ITS SHAPE HAS. LIKE FOUR SLOTS OR SOMETHING. SO I CHOOSE MY TARGETS CAREFULLY. I SELECT THE FOUR OF THESE JOKERS, WHO I DEEM THE GREATEST THREAT TO ME. THE BLUE PHILISTINE WITH THE BELLIGERENT FISTS, OF COURSE. SO HE CAN'T OWN ME AGAIN, WITH HURTFUL INSULTS TO MY ART. AND ALSO THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS SMOOTH WAYS, SAY GOODBYE TO HIM TOO. I COULDNT RISK MESSING WITH HIS SWORD, WHICH I UNDERSTAND TO BE THE ONLY THING IN REALITY THAT IS POISON TO MY INVINCIBILITY. BECAUSE OF AN ILLEGAL INGREDIENT, A WHITE ROUNDCIRCLE OF TOTAL KNOWLEDGE. OH, I TARGETED THEIR TWO CORRESPONDING FEMALES AS WELL, BECAUSE WHY NOT. THE DOG ONE IS A NIGHTMARE OF POWERS, AND THE ORANGE ONE PERTURBS ME WITH HER DICTIONARY BLITHER. GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD TEENS!!! AND JUST LIKE THAT, THEY WERE GONE. THEIR SOULS WERE TRAPPED IN MY JUJU. FOREVER. THIS SOLVES ONE PROBLEM FOR ME. BUT STARTS ANOTHER. THE JUJU WHEN ITS SHAPES ARE FILLED. CHANGES IN NATURE. IT STOPS BEING A WEAPON I CAN USE, EVER AGAIN. IT'S WEIRD, AND A BIT LAME, BUT YOU CAN'T BE TOO PICKY ABOUT AWESOME JUJUS. YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD. ONCE I USED IT... IT BECAME MYSTERIOUSLY INTANGIBLE. LIKE A HOLE. A GAP, IN THE TEETH OF MY STORY. THAT NOW EXISTS, AS A DANGEROUS LIABILITY TO ME PERSONALLY. IT CAN ONLY EVER BE USED AS A WEAPON AGAINST ME, FROM NOW ON. SUCH IS WHAT YOLOBROTH, THE GREAT LEWD SNAKE, WILL TELL ME ABOUT THE JUJU WHEN WE MEET. SO AFTER USING IT, IT MADE ME NERVOUS. SO IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE. I TRAPPED IT BACK IN THE CHEST! AND BANISHED IT AWAY, WHERE NO ONE WOULD EVER FIND IT. DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE FURTHEST RING. USING MY RING-BASED COMMUNION WITH THE VOID. POOF!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK DIGGING THAT ONE UP, HATERS. IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. WITH THE FIRST FOUR BANISHED, THE TEAM OF HEROES WAS CUT IN HALF, TO BE MUCH EASIER FOR ME TO DEVASTATE. A SMUTTY SWORDSMAN, AN UNDERPANTS WIMP, AND TWO FLIPPANT BIMBOS? I WOULD CALL IT A CAKE WALK. BUT WHEN YOU ARE THIS COCKY AND BRASH. YOU DON'T WALK. YOU STRUT. NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF DESSERT YOU FIND UNDER YOUR FEET. I SHOULD ALSO RELEVANTLY MENTION. I AM STILL IN POSSESSION OF THE SWORDMAN'S JUJU. HIS FLOPPY FRIEND OF CHILDHOOD. THE ONE WHICH I RECOGNIZED TO BE AN EMPTY HUSK. HE DEMANDS FROM ME, THAT HE WANTS IT BACK. PRESUMABLY FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I CAN IN NO WAY BLAME HIM. KEEP AN EYE ON THIS ONE. THE FORESHADOWING OF HIM, IS PRE-IMPORTANT FOR LATER. NOW IS WHEN THE PUMMELING BEGINS. THE FRACAS IS LOUD AND LARGE. POWER LEVELS ARE OFF THE CHARTS. YOU CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOUR EYES! I'M MOSTLY TOYING WITH THEM THOUGH. IT'S ALL TOO EASY, FOR AN ASCENDED LORD BOY LIKE ME. I HAVE A PLATTER FULL OF KNUCKLE SANDWICHES TO GO AROUND, PLUS OTHER HUMAN FOOD PRODUCTS YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH, BUT ALSO INVOLVING KNUCKLES TO MAKE THE PUNCHING METAPHOR WORK. THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO SATISFY EVERY HUNGRY FIST-DESERVER. AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. THAT I HAVE. A REPUTATION. FOR HAVING A PROBLEM OF UNFAIR CRUELTY THAT GOES AT SILLY LADIES MORE THAN GREAT GENTLEMEN. TO WHICH I TAKE GREAT OFFENSE. BUT STILL, LET IT BE UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPTED, THAT I AM A FAIR MAN, WHO LISTENS TO CRITICISM, AND WORKS EVER AND ALWAYS. TO IMPROVE MY MASTERFUL CRAFT. AND MY TREMENDOUS DECENCY. SO. I HAVE COMMITTED, THROUGH A PLEDGE OF PERSONAL BEAUTIFICATION. TO TRY DOING LESS MISOGYNY. AND START DOING MORE PROSOGYNY. IN FACT. I FUCKING LOVE SOGYNY! AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES FROM THAT. HENCEWITH. LOOK. ALL BODILY TERRORISM. IS BEING DEALT IN A PRECISELY EQUAL AND RESPECTFUL WAY. BOTH TO FEEBLE HOE, AND TIP-TOP GENT ALIKE. I'M RUINING THEM, REALLY. IT'S NOT A CONTEST. THEY ARE A BUNCH OF PITIFUL EMOTION CHILDREN, AND I AM A PREMIER, INVINCIBLE TITAN OF ROUGHHOUSE BRUTALITY. IT'S TOO EASY. SPEEDO BOY IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT, BECAUSE I SLAPPED HIM GINGERLY. THE MASKED FLOOZY IS LOOKING A BIT... WOOZY (HA HA.) THE CAKE MAID TOOK ONE DRUB TOO MANY AND HAS TO LIE DOWN FOR AN OVERWEIGHT NAP. THIS LEAVES ME, MANO & MANO, AGAINST THE ANIME PRINCE AND HIS NONSENSE TROUSERS. IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD FIGHT BETWEEN US. BECAUSE HE'S STRONG, AND I ADMIRE THAT. WHY SHOULDN'T I LET A BATTLE HAPPEN FOR LONGER, WHEN TWO TOUGH DUDES ARE INVOLVED, STRUTTING THEIR STUFF. BUT IN THE END, HIS SHARP GLASSES AND SWORD MACHISMO WEREN'T ENOUGH. I GOT THE SUPREME DROP ON HIS POWERFUL BODY WITH MY WRESTLING MOVES. MY OVERCONFIDENCE, WAS MY ACHILLES DOWNFALL THOUGH. I MADE, ADMITTEDLY, THE AMATEUR'S BONER. I TURNED MY BACK ON THE BODY. THE CRYBABY IN THE YELLOW PANTIES GOT UPSET WITH ME. THAT I WAS WAILING SO EXCELLENTLY ON HIS INCREASINGLY BATTERED PRETTYBOY NINJA STUD. AND BY UPSET. I MEAN HE THREW A FULLY FLEDGED TANTRUM OF PURE HOPE. THE HOPE... MY GOD. IT WAS BLINDING. BEAUTIFUL EVEN. OK, MAYBE THE COTTON ISN'T DOING IT JUSTICE. HMM. OK, YEAH, MAYBE THAT JUST LOOKS STUPID. YOU KNOW, YOU TRY THINGS. AND SOMETIMES. IT JUST LOOKS LIKE SHIT. LET'S CALL THIS. MY ONE AND ONLY FUCKUP IN HISTORY. WELL, MY SECOND MAYBE. SECOND ONLY TO UNDERESTIMATING THIS SAD SACK WUSS OF HOPE. WHO KNEW THAT SUCH A SIMPERING CHARLATAN. HAD SUCH AN OUTBURST STOWED IN HIS GIRLY BOSOM. CLEARLY, NOT I. EVEN THOUGH I HAD THE INFORMATION WELL IN ADVANCE. IT WAS JUST THAT SURPRISING. IT SEEMS THAT HOPE POWER IS OVERWHELMING. EVEN TO THE CLOCKWORK MANJUNK. IT LOOKED LIKE I THOUGHT I COULD USE MY RAINBOW SEIZURE FIELD TO OVERPOWER HIS MASSIVE GAY HOPE BUBBLE. ALAS. IT WAS MY PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED HUBRIS WHICH BIT ME IN THE ASS, IN THE END. EVEN THOUGH I'M SURE I MUST HAVE KNOWN THIS OUTCOME WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. (IT CAN STILL BE WORTH IT TO GET OWNED. IF IT MEANS HAVING A LOT OF SELF ESTEEMED HUBRIS ABOUT YOURSELF.) AND SO, THE ENGLISH BOY DEALS ME MY FIRST DEFEAT EVER, SINCE ASCENDING AS AN INVINCIBLE TECHNICOLOR TIME KID. I GET DUNKED AS FUCK. AND LAND SQUARE ON MY BOTTOM. I REMAIN PRONE FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, STARING AT THE CEILING. BLINKING A BIT. PONDERING WHERE THINGS WENT WRONG IN LIFE. HOW I. THE LORD OF TIME. COULD EXPERIENCE SUCH WOEFUL OWNAGE. THERE IS NO BODILY HARM OF COURSE. EXCEPT TO MY INCREDIBLE EGO. WHICH IS A FATE WORSE THAN GETTING BROKEN BONES. SO I JUST LIE THERE. THINKING SADLY. ACHIEVING SOME DEPRESSION. I'M SURE AT THIS POINT. I TURN TO THOUGHTS OF RESPECT. RESPECT FOR THE PANSIED ASS, PRETTY LEGGED PAGE. AND HIS MAYBE ACCIDENTAL PROWESS. I UNDER MISESTIMATED HIM, AND ADMIRATION HAPPENS IN MY BREAST. MAYBE I'LL JACK HIS SWAGGER TOO, AS HE ONCE DID MINE. MAYBE AFTER A LIFETIME OF UTTERLY DESERVED HUMILIATION, SOBBING, AND SPONTANEOUS URINATION. HE'S EARNED THAT MUCH. (THE CLUE HERE IS THAT I STEAL HIS NAME. GOD. YOU THICK, STUPID FUCKS. WHY DO I BOTHER WITH SUB TEXTS, OR FINE LITERATUREY NUANCE. GOD. FUCK! GOD. I TAKE HIS NAME LATER. ENGLISH. THAT'S ME LATER. THAT'S MY NAME. YOU STUPID BRAINLESS FUCKS. HOLY SHIT, YOU ARE DUMB AS BOZOS COME. GOD!!!) MEANWHILE, STRIDER REGROUPS FROM HIS TROUNCING. AND SEES HIS CHANCE TO DO AWAY WITH ME FOR GOOD. HE KNOWS BY NOW THAT HE CAN'T KILL ME. BUT CAN DO HIS NEXT BEST THING. WHICH IS TO BANISH MY SOUL. HE'S HURT BAD AND IS SLOW TO USE HIS PINK SOUL KILLING SPELL. THIS GIVES ME TIME TO REBOUND FROM MY SHAMEFUL ASS WHOOPING TOO. AND PULL MY SORRY BUTT OUT OF THE OWN ZONE. SO I GET UP. AND... I NEARLY GET THE DROP ON HIM BEFORE HE RELEASES HIS SPELL. BUT THEN... WHAT'S THIS? THERE'S A COMMOTION. THE HAUNTING SOUND OF NEIGHS. EXCEPT. THEY'RE ROBOT NEIGHS? THAT IS WHEN THE HORSES COME IN TO PLAY. THE GOD DAMN HORSES. HOW TRULY AND UTTERLY IRONIC. THAT MY VERY DEMISE COULD BE IN THE PROXIMITY OF SOME HORSES. WHAT. NO REALLY, WHAT. I DIDN'T FOLLOW THAT. I'M STILL NOT FOLLOWING IT, TO BE HONEST. I'LL HAVE TO THINK IT OVER. I'M THINKING IT OVER RIGHT NOW. AND I HAVE A FEELING. I'LL BE THINKING IT OVER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. PERHAPS WE ALL WILL. WAIT, THEY SHOULD BE ROBOTS. HOLD ON WHILE I PAINT THE HORSES TO LOOK LIKE METAL HORSES. DAMN, THE WORK OF A CRAFTYMAN IS NEVER DONE. SO BASICALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. SO I'M REALLY DISTRACTED. I'M SAYING TO MYSELF, THIS IS OMINOUS AS SHIT. NOTHING GOOD CAN EITHER FOLLOW OR PRECEDE AN EVENT SUCH AS THIS. AND THEN, THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS. THE SWEATY MUSCULAR GHOST APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS. OR WHERE HE CAME FROM. JUDGING FROM THE FACE OF THE GUYS, THEY DON'T EITHER. NOBODY SEES THIS COMING. IT IS A TOTAL AMBUSCADE, AND MY SKELETON JAW IS DROPPED AS SHIT. HE PINS ME IN PLACE WITH HIS RIPPED MUSCLES, AND I'M COMPLETELY IMMOBILIZED. PARTLY BECAUSE OF THE STRENGTH, BUT ALSO DUE TO MY AWE AND ADMIRATION. I JUST CAN'T MOVE. THIS GIVES DIRK JUST THE TIME HE NEEDS. TO DO HIS FLAMBOYANT PINK SPELL. IT OWNS ME COMPLETELY. BUT SADLY TO DIRK MAYBE, IT ALSO OWNS THE MUSCLE HERO. BOTH OF OUR SOULS ARE CONSUMED BY THE ENCHANTMENT. I THINK HE THOUGHT HE COULD DESTROY MY SOUL. BUT HE BIT OFF MORE THAN HIS FLESHY SKULL COULD CHEW. SO HE USED HIS "IRONY" AGAIN. AND STUCK MY SOUL IN HIS JUJU. EXACTLY THE WAY. I STUCK HIS BUDDIES IN MY JUJU. THE ONE I GOT FROM YODELBOOGER. IT'S LIKE POETIC JUSTICE I GUESS. EXCEPT PUPPETRY, INSTEAD OF POETRY. SO PUPPETIC JUSTICE. OH YES. I LIKE THAT. THE MUSCLE GHOST CAME ALONG FOR THE RIDE. AND I GUESS HIS SOUL GOT TRAPPED IN THERE TOO? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. HONESTLY IT IS DISTURBING AS HELL. AND I'D PREFER NOT TO DWELL ON ITS GREATER RAMIFICATIONS TO MY LONG TERM EXISTENCE. MAYBE IT'S GOOD? OR MAYBE IT'S DUMB. MAYBE IT'S. GOOD AND DUMB. OR SMART AND BAD. THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS THINGS CAN BE WHEN YOU'RE CONFUSED. AT THIS POINT. HIS BELOVED JUJU IS NO LONGER A HOLLOW VESSEL. IT IS VERY MUCH CROWDED IN THERE, CHOCK FULL OF SOULS, BELONGING TO HARDCORE BRAWLING BRUTES. AND HE KNOWS IT. HIS PUPPET IS NOW A PROBLEM TO DO AWAY WITH, JUST LIKE MY JUJU WAS. SO THEY DO THE SAME BASIC THING. THEY GET THEIR DRUNKARD SORCERESS OF VOID TO BANISH THE PUPPET ONCE AND FOR ALL, INTO THE DARKNESS. NEVER TO BE FOUND AGAIN BY PROBING HANDS OF MEAT. YES, NEVER TO BE FOUND. BUT NOT NEVER TO RESURFACE. OH NO. YOU SEE, MY SOUL IS A TENACIOUS ONE. I KNOW THIS FACT FIRST HAND, BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN INSIDE MY BRAIN ALL MY LIFE! IT'S A REAL MOTHER FUCKER, I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH. THE PUPPET'S ESSENCE WILL FLOP AND FLUTTER THROUGH THE SHADOWS FOR ETERNITY. SURFACING IN THE NIGHTMARES OF THE UNSUSPECTING. WEASELING ITS WAY INTO THE HEARTS OF YUCKY SHITTY CHILDREN. AND WHEN ITS INFILTRATION IN THAT UNIVERSE HAS TAKEN HOLD, THE SEED WILL HAVE BEEN PLANTED. AND IT WILL PAVE THE WAY FOR MY EMERGENCE, TO WREAK MY BADNESS. FROM UNIVERSE. TO UNIVERSE. TO UNIVERSE. EACH ONE WILL FALL. AND EACH TIME I WILL GET STRONGER. AND OLDER. AND BIGGER. AND BUFFER! OHHHHHHHHHHH YES. IT WILL BE TIME. IT WILL BE TIME, INDEED, FOR ME TO GET... RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPED! AND NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME. I MUST PUT DOWN THE TOYS AND WAYS OF A CHILD. AND CONFRONT THE BIG THINGS OF BECOMING A HUGE MAN. BY DUELING THE SUPREME BEAST OF MY LEGEND LAND, HIS SERPENTINE EMINENCE, YOGURTBONER HIMSELF. I'M ABOUT TO GO FIGHT HIM NOW, SO THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER HEAR MY EXCELLENT VOICE. I WILL DUEL AND CRUSH MY SLITHERING SEXUAL SNAKE BOSS, TO FINISH WHAT I STARTED WHEN I STEPPED MY METAL FOOT INTO THIS CHILDREN'S FARCE. I WILL DO THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO, AND WHEN THAT IS SAID AND DONE, AND YOU SEE ME AT THE PEAK OF A MOUNTAIN OF TROPHIES, RESTING ON MY THRONE OF PRIZES, I WANT TO GET TO TELL YOU THAT I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO. SO IF YOU REMEMBER JUST ONE THING I SAY, OF SO MANY GREAT THINGS SAID BY ME, THEN PLEASE REMEMBER THIS. I WANTED TO PLAY A GAME. |
„ |
| ~ Caliborn's Masterpiece |
| “ | NEVERMIND. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. IT WAS FORETOLD. BY THE MASTERPIECE I MADE. WHEN I WAS BUT A BOY. (...) BE QUIET. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST INTERRUPTED A GROUNDBREAKING INTERPRETIVE ART PIECE. IT WAS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. PERFORMED ONLY ONCE. AND MADE MORE VALUABLE FOR ITS RARENESS. (...) I SAID SHUT UP. IT’S RUDE TO TALK THROUGH THE OVERTURE. BUT DON’T WORRY. ALTHOUGH YOU MISSED MY VERY IMPORTANT DANCE DEMONSTRATION. WHICH WAS AN UNPRECEDENTED ACT OF GENIUS. AND NOT AT ALL EMBARRASSING. NOW YOU WILL PARTICIPATE IN SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.
BY NOW, SURELY MANY HAVE WITNESSED MY MASTERPIECE. AS IT HAS CIRCULATED THROUGH THE BLACK VEINS. OF THE DARK WEB. TRILLIONS HAVE WITNESSED ITS MAJESTY. HATERS AND FOOLS ALIKE. AND THEY HAVE BEEN RENDERED AGOG. BY MY ART VIRTUOSITY. MY CLAYSMANSHIP. AND MY WRESTLING MOVES. BUT NOW. THE TIME HAS COME. FOR EVERYONE TO SHUT UP ABOUT HOW GREAT MY MASTERPIECE WAS. AND THE TIME IS NOW AT HAND... FOR YOU ALL TO BECOME MY MASTERPIECE! |
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| ~ Caliborn in the Homestuck Epilogues |
