This is what the Homestuck profiles would be like if Sleuth's proposals go through
"Mature Content"
This character or verse has mature themes and concepts, thus those of young age are ill-advised to look through these.
“
I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING.
BUT THAT'S OK.
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER.
IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT.
SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK.
WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS.
WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME.
„
~ Caliborn
“
I WILL DUEL AND CRUSH MY SLITHERING SEXUAL SNAKE BOSS, AND FINISH WHAT I STARTED WHEN I STEPPED MY METAL FOOT INTO THIS CHILDREN'S FARCE. I WILL DO THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO, AND WHEN THAT IS SAID AND DONE, AND YOU SEE ME AT THE PEAK OF A MOUNTAIN OF TROPHIES, RESTING ON MY THRONE OF PRIZES, I WANT TO GET TO TELL YOU THAT I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO. SO IF YOU REMEMBER JUST ONE THING I SAY, OF SO MANY GREAT THINGS SAID BY ME, THEN PLEASE REMEMBER THIS.
IT WAS FORETOLD. BY THE MASTERPIECE I MADE. WHEN I WAS BUT A BOY.
(...) BE QUIET.
I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST INTERRUPTED A GROUNDBREAKING INTERPRETIVE ART PIECE.
IT WAS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. PERFORMED ONLY ONCE. AND MADE MORE VALUABLE FOR ITS RARENESS.
(...) I SAID SHUT UP. IT’S RUDE TO TALK THROUGH THE OVERTURE.
BUT DON’T WORRY. ALTHOUGH YOU MISSED MY VERY IMPORTANT DANCE DEMONSTRATION.
WHICH WAS AN UNPRECEDENTED ACT OF GENIUS. AND NOT AT ALL EMBARRASSING.
NOW YOU WILL PARTICIPATE IN SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.
BY NOW, SURELY MANY HAVE WITNESSED MY MASTERPIECE.
AS IT HAS CIRCULATED THROUGH THE BLACK VEINS. OF THE DARK WEB.
TRILLIONS HAVE WITNESSED ITS MAJESTY. HATERS AND FOOLS ALIKE.
AND THEY HAVE BEEN RENDERED AGOG.
BY MY ART VIRTUOSITY. MY CLAYSMANSHIP. AND MY WRESTLING MOVES.
BUT NOW. THE TIME HAS COME.
FOR EVERYONE TO SHUT UP ABOUT HOW GREAT MY MASTERPIECE WAS.
AND THE TIME IS NOW AT HAND...
FOR YOU ALL TO BECOME MY MASTERPIECE!
„
“
GIRL.
YOU THERE. GIRL.
GIRL, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME BEFORE I ARRIVE?
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO OUTRUN ME
WHEN I AM ALREADY HERE?
„
Background
Caliborn is the true antagonist of Homestuck. He is one of the two Cherub Sburb players, alongside of his sister, Calliope. With burning hatred for his sister, he hired an alternate version of Jack Noir to kill her, prevailing in the battle of the two, then begins his quest of LOCAM (Land of Colors and Mayhem) to begin his quest for godhood.
By swiftly taking his own life on his quest bed, he ascends to God-Tier shortly afterwards: Becoming the Lord of Time. From thereon, he begins to mess with the narrative until confronted by John Egbert. After being defeated by John, Caliborn continues his quest to Godhood, defeating Yaldaboath, and gaining his treasure. By destroying the grandfather clock and absorbing the Juju's power, he becomes an ascended God-Tier, beginning his "masterpiece", where he summons the beta and alpha kids.
After sealing the former away in the juju (and then banishing the treasure to the Furthest Ring, making it extremely difficult to be found), he proceeds to stomp the latter until Jake English used the field of hope to knock him down, Arquius making a suprise appearence to hold him down, and Dirk Strider to start to extract his soul from his body. Allowing this to happen, Caliborn allows the soul of himself, Arquiusprite, and one half of Gamzee Makara to be sealed in to Lil' Cal, then travel all the way back in time, allowing to plant the seeds of his existence into unsuspecting people, allowing himself to will himself into existence once the universe is destroyed, becoming Lord English, an indestructible demon that proceeds to destroy all of existence to secure his own.
Powers and Stats
Tier: 9-A physically. 8-A with weapons | At least 2-C, likely 2-A | At least 2-C, likely 2-A, possibly far higher | Low 1-A
Name: Caliborn, undyingUmbrarage (screen name) | Lord of Time | The Lordling, "Kid/Young Lord English" | Lord English ("LE" for short), Angel of Double Death, Lord of Time, Father Time, Invisible/Unseen Riddler, the "Anti-Narrative"
Travel Speed: Supersonic+ (Comparable to the other Sburb Players) | Extra-Temporal (Fought evenly with God-Tier John Egbert) | Extra-Temporal (Superior to before, sealed the Beta Kids before they could react and stomped on all the Alpha Kids) | Irrevelant
Striking Strength:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+, possibly far higher | Low Metaverse level
Durability:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (Tanked many hits from John Egbert) | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+, possibly far higher (Not even Jake's hope field could scratch him) | Low Metaverse level (Can only be harmed by the Ultimate Weapon, implied to be alive after the furthest ring collapsed on him)
Stamina: Very Higher. Trekked LOCAM without any signs of exhaustion | Higher | Limitless | Limitless (Slaughters Dark Gods on a daily basis, never showing signs of exhaustion throughout the series
Range: Standard Melee, Higher with Rifle, High Multiversal with Mind Control (Can control Jack from another session), Low Metaverse level with passive fate/causality/probability/plot manipulation (they affect all of Paradox Space, including the stack of creators | High Multiverse level, possibly High Multiverse level+, Low Metaverse level with passives | High Multiverse level, likely High Multiverse level+, Low Metaverse level with passives | Low Metaverse level
Standard Equipment: Cane that can morph into a gun, Juju Breaker | Golden Cane that can morph into a gun | All previous, Juju, Lil'Cal, Gamzee Makara | Green Sun Cane that can morph into an AK-47
Intelligence: Extremely cunning and clever with an understanding of space-time, but stuck in puberty, and is Immature | Same as before | Same as before, possibly Cosmic (Potentially has control of most of his powers at this point | Cosmic (Doc Scratch, who is part of him, consistently stated to be omniscient or near-omniscient. Dirkbot, also part of him, is "cyber-omniscient")
Standard Tactics: Caliborn attacks with his Juju, which negates the magical effects of an artifact in the timeline, or uses his rifle | As before | He begins by opening the Juju, sealing the souls of up to 4 targets into a Juju, then banishing it into somewhere into the furthest ring. Thereon, he usually uses energy projection | Lord English makes consistent use of his double death (Existence Erasure, Irreversible Damage, and Immortality/Regeneration Negation) ability (See note below)
Weaknesses: Caliborn is extremely immature and permanently stuck in puberty, and is also quick to being completely unreasonable | Same as before, Resurrection will not work if his death is deemed "Heroic" or "Just" | Same as his base (No longer bound the the Heroic or Just death system), very arrogant an underestimative of his opponents due to his newfound powers | With potent enough space-time manipulation (mainly, "glitches/paradoxes in space time") is able to allow you to harm him and ignore his plot shield. The Destruction of the Green Sun severely weakens Lord English and removes the plot shield completely. Is not in a complete state of nonexistence, only being able to turn completely nonexistent on thought.
Keys:Base | God-Tier | Post-Collide | Lord English
Note: There is some contention revolving around Lord English's starting move; In one scene, he opens up by punching a bunch of trolls, which mistakes many people thinking he doesn't open up with powers. However, this has several holes:
That was not the very beginning of the fight: Prior to this, Lord English uses double death on Karkat, who is only 9-A with little hax.
The reason why Lord English resorted to punching was likely due to PIS; Lord English could've easily destroyed the dream bubble along with the Ghost Army with it, but instead resorting to physicals due to how it took place in [S] Collide, Homestuck's final battle, meaning it must be cinematic, and Lord English effortlessly destroying them all would be in character, but very anti-climatic for a final battle, thus the animators made him mix it up with physical attacks and double death rather than nuking the entire dream bubble with double death
Gallery
Caliborn's ranting foreshadowing...
...his ascension to godhood
Lord English's eyes turning into two 8-balls while weakened, in a reference to pool, since the 8-Ball is the last ball you want to knock out
it is the day whereafter the legendary octet of mUtUal progenitoriety will come together and heal a great breach in paradox space. a day delivered throUgh eighty billion years and foUr distinct Universal instances worth of Unfathomable tUrbUlence. and while the emerald eye of this storm is fixed in the abyss forever today yoU are poised to escape its scowl once and for all. by skaias gUiding light, yoU may leave behind its tUrning arms of bright coloUrs and mayhem, and secUre peace for yoUr cosmic progeny for all dUration. and if yoU are to meet this departUre with trepidation i woUld Understand! bUt also i woUld ask is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?
„
“
i was never meant to rise to the place he holds because the game was rigged. tilted in favor of his aspect. having gained immortality, i could sit forever in a spent dead session.
„
“
what you’ve described is a state of empirical ennui resulting from the material circumstances here. but the material circumstances of this world have no objective existential value. this world, unlike the canonical horrors from which it is hermetically insulated, will always fail to meet the combined criteria for truth, relevance, and essentiality that would endow this realm with any real gravity. its own naturally occurring supply of gravity, rather than the artificial supply i have given it. as such, what transpires here is characterized by experiential frivolity. physically, it is cordoned off by the black hole’s event horizon. it is safe. untouchable. inescapable.
„
Background
Calliope is a character from Homestuck, who is a cherub and "sister" to Caliborn. Unlike her "brother", Calliope is more cheerful and seeks to help out the protagonist and give them advice.
In an alternate timeline, Calliope dominated her brother, however, she is more solemn than her original counterpart
Powers and Stats
Tier: 9-A | At least 2-C, likely 2-A. Low 1-A through Black Hole Creation | Low 1-A | Low 1-A
Travel Speed:Supersonic+ | Extra-Temporal (Either fought against her brother evenly or ate his soul before he could react) | Irrevelant (Devoured Lord English before he could defend himself) | Irrevelant
Striking Strength:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | Low Metaverse level | Low Metaverse level
Durability:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+. Immortality makes her difficult to kill (Should she be killed, she shall reincarnate as a black hole the size of eternity) | Low Metaverse level level | At least Low Metaverse level
Intelligence:Unknown | Above Average (Has knowledge over what a dead session is) | As before | Cosmic (Gained all the powers and intelligence as her brother)
Standard Tactics: Unknown | Calliope will open up with Soul Manipulation | As before, will absorb the powers of those who she swallows | Calliope will make her opponent narratively insignificant
Weaknesses: Extremely solemn and emotionless
Key: Base | God-Tier | Epilogues | After Devouring Lord English