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This is what the Homestuck profiles would be like if Sleuth's proposals go through
|
"Mature Content" |
| This character or verse has mature themes and concepts, thus those of young age are ill-advised to look through these. |
| “ | I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING.
BUT THAT'S OK. BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER. IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT. SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK. WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS. WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME. |
„ |
| ~ Caliborn |
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| “ | I WILL DUEL AND CRUSH MY SLITHERING SEXUAL SNAKE BOSS, AND FINISH WHAT I STARTED WHEN I STEPPED MY METAL FOOT INTO THIS CHILDREN'S FARCE. I WILL DO THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO, AND WHEN THAT IS SAID AND DONE, AND YOU SEE ME AT THE PEAK OF A MOUNTAIN OF TROPHIES, RESTING ON MY THRONE OF PRIZES, I WANT TO GET TO TELL YOU THAT I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO. SO IF YOU REMEMBER JUST ONE THING I SAY, OF SO MANY GREAT THINGS SAID BY ME, THEN PLEASE REMEMBER THIS.
I WANTED TO PLAY A GAME. |
„ |
| “ | NEVERMIND. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
IT WAS FORETOLD. BY THE MASTERPIECE I MADE. WHEN I WAS BUT A BOY. (...) BE QUIET. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST INTERRUPTED A GROUNDBREAKING INTERPRETIVE ART PIECE. IT WAS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. PERFORMED ONLY ONCE. AND MADE MORE VALUABLE FOR ITS RARENESS. (...) I SAID SHUT UP. IT’S RUDE TO TALK THROUGH THE OVERTURE. BUT DON’T WORRY. ALTHOUGH YOU MISSED MY VERY IMPORTANT DANCE DEMONSTRATION. WHICH WAS AN UNPRECEDENTED ACT OF GENIUS. AND NOT AT ALL EMBARRASSING. NOW YOU WILL PARTICIPATE IN SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT. BY NOW, SURELY MANY HAVE WITNESSED MY MASTERPIECE. AS IT HAS CIRCULATED THROUGH THE BLACK VEINS. OF THE DARK WEB. TRILLIONS HAVE WITNESSED ITS MAJESTY. HATERS AND FOOLS ALIKE. AND THEY HAVE BEEN RENDERED AGOG. BY MY ART VIRTUOSITY. MY CLAYSMANSHIP. AND MY WRESTLING MOVES. BUT NOW. THE TIME HAS COME. FOR EVERYONE TO SHUT UP ABOUT HOW GREAT MY MASTERPIECE WAS. AND THE TIME IS NOW AT HAND... FOR YOU ALL TO BECOME MY MASTERPIECE! |
„ |
| “ | GIRL.
YOU THERE. GIRL. GIRL, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME BEFORE I ARRIVE? HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO OUTRUN ME WHEN I AM ALREADY HERE? |
„ |
Caliborn is the true antagonist of Homestuck. He is one of the two Cherub Sburb players, alongside of his sister, Calliope. With burning hatred for his sister, he hired an alternate version of Jack Noir to kill her, prevailing in the battle of the two, then begins his quest of LOCAM (Land of Colors and Mayhem) to begin his quest for godhood.
By swiftly taking his own life on his quest bed, he ascends to God-Tier shortly afterwards: Becoming the Lord of Time. From thereon, he begins to mess with the narrative until confronted by John Egbert. After being defeated by John, Caliborn continues his quest to Godhood, defeating Yaldaboath, and gaining his treasure. By destroying the grandfather clock and absorbing the Juju's power, he becomes an ascended God-Tier, beginning his "masterpiece", where he summons the beta and alpha kids.
After sealing the former away in the juju (and then banishing the treasure to the Furthest Ring, making it extremely difficult to be found), he proceeds to stomp the latter until Jake English used the field of hope to knock him down, Arquius making a suprise appearence to hold him down, and Dirk Strider to start to extract his soul from his body. Allowing this to happen, Caliborn allows the soul of himself, Arquiusprite, and one half of Gamzee Makara to be sealed in to Lil' Cal, then travel all the way back in time, allowing to plant the seeds of his existence into unsuspecting people, allowing himself to will himself into existence once the universe is destroyed, becoming Lord English, an indestructible demon that proceeds to destroy all of existence to secure his own.
Tier: 9-A physically. 8-A with weapons | At least 2-C, likely 2-A | At least 2-C, likely 2-A, possibly far higher | Low 1-A
Name: Caliborn, undyingUmbrarage (screen name) | Lord of Time | The Lordling, "Kid/Young Lord English" | Lord English ("LE" for short), Angel of Double Death, Lord of Time, Father Time, Invisible/Unseen Riddler, the "Anti-Narrative"
Origin: Homestuck
Age: 11 "units" | As before | In his 20s or 30s (Claims to be an adult) | Older than time and the narrative of Homestuck itself
Classification: Cherub, Sburb player | God-Tier | Ascended God-Tier | Indestructible paradox demon, Unholy fusion of several entities
Attack Potency: Small Building level physically (Shouldn't be much weaker than other Sburb Players). Multi-City Block level with weapons (Shown several times to be able to harm Gamzee Makara) | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (As a Lord, he should be above all other god-tiers, including the likes of Jade Harley) | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (Superior to before, stomped on all the beta and alpha kids), possibly far higher (Should have control over most of his new powers at this point) | Low Metaverse level (Consistently stated to be able to destroy all of Paradox Space, being able to conceptually unravel it and being able to cleave its very foundations, which includes an Hierarchy of Creators which is made up of stories where the lower ones "never happen" and are non-canon to them, along with transcendence being needed to climb the higher ones. This Hierarchy is suggested to be infinite in size, along with the term "Creators all the Down" being used twice, which is a reference to the term "Turtles all the way down", a statement of infinite regression. Andrew Hussie states that Lord English is detached from the narrative and is an extension of himself in real life, being the "anti-narrative")
Dimensionality: 3-D | 3-D | 3-D | Devoid
Travel Speed: Supersonic+ (Comparable to the other Sburb Players) | Extra-Temporal (Fought evenly with God-Tier John Egbert) | Extra-Temporal (Superior to before, sealed the Beta Kids before they could react and stomped on all the Alpha Kids) | Irrevelant
Combat Speed: Supersonic+, Massively FTL+ with weapons (Blitzed Gamzee) | Extra-Temporal | Extra-Temporal | Irrevelant
Reaction Speed: Supersonic+ | Extra-Temporal | Extra-Temporal | Irrevelant
Striking Strength: Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+, possibly far higher | Low Metaverse level
Durability: Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (Tanked many hits from John Egbert) | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+, possibly far higher (Not even Jake's hope field could scratch him) | Low Metaverse level (Can only be harmed by the Ultimate Weapon, implied to be alive after the furthest ring collapsed on him)
Stamina: Very Higher. Trekked LOCAM without any signs of exhaustion | Higher | Limitless | Limitless (Slaughters Dark Gods on a daily basis, never showing signs of exhaustion throughout the series
Range: Standard Melee, Higher with Rifle, High Multiversal with Mind Control (Can control Jack from another session), Low Metaverse level with passive fate/causality/probability/plot manipulation (they affect all of Paradox Space, including the stack of creators | High Multiverse level, possibly High Multiverse level+, Low Metaverse level with passives | High Multiverse level, likely High Multiverse level+, Low Metaverse level with passives | Low Metaverse level
All previous powers to a greater extent, Sburb Player Physiology (Type 2; Lord of Time), enhanced Causality Manipulation, Fate Manipulation, Probability Manipulation, and Plot Manipulation (Type 4; Now has more control over the outcomes of fate and causality, as well as superior control over the narrative. Possesses the Gift of Gab, allowing him to control the narrative at will), enhanced Accelerated Development (Can climb the echheladder by just standing around), Life Manipulation (Can create life), can "Unlock any lock" with the Skeleton Key Badge, Power Nullification (Can prevent the reader from going to the next page)
All previous powers to a greater extent, Invulnerability (Stated to be invulnerable. Was not harmed by Jake's Field of Hope despite being knocked down by it), Soul Manipulation and Sealing (Trapped the souls of the Beta Kids into the Juju), BFR (Banished the Juju into the Furthest Ring), Energy Projection (Stated he could make a "Rainbow Seizure Field" that could contest or overpower Jake's Field of Hope. Can create clockwork lasers), Resistance Negation and Power Modification (Overwrote the Beta Kid's powers on a metatextual level), Conceptual Manipulation (destroy the very concept of light and it's source), Resistance to Soul Manipulation (Even when being held down, Dirk could not destroy his soul) and Energy Projection (Jake's Field of Hope could not harm him)
All previous powers to a massively greater extent, Irreversible Damage and Existence Erasure (Type 4; His existence erasure works as a poison that is antithetical to the narrative and completely erased John Egbert without any hopes of recovery, as it was unable to heal from. His poison also is able to block healing on a metaphysical level. Doing this, Lord English can negate Immortality), Reality Warping, Void Manipulation (His existence includes Equius Zahhak, the Heir of Void. John Egbert, the Heir of Breath, has wind powers, so Equius most logically has void powers), Conceptual Manipulation (Can conceptually unravel existence), Plot Manipulation (Types 3 and 4; Granted Gamzee plot Armour. As the "Invisible/Unseen Riddler", he passively "robs its targets of a meaningful or dignified existence," and is the closest thing to "Absolute God of Paradox Space" and is "best interpreted as the forces of mischief and authorial cruelty or callousness toward the subjects within this fiction, which are laced into the entire narrative and relate closely to the quality of 'authorial scorn'". Has a plot-shield that negates attempts to defeat him), Genius Intelligence, Death Manipulation and Mind Manipulation (The Embodiment of Death in Troll Mythology is based off of him, if not him outright. Said embodiment of Death has a Hypnotic Glare. Lil' Cal is his vessel, who Caliborn used to mind control Jack Noir), Black Hole Creation (Lord Jack can create a black hole), Reality Separation and Acausality (Type 5; Is stated to be detached from the narrative), Rage Power (Gamzee becomes more powerful when angry), Dream Manipulation and Fear Manipulation (Using Gamzee's powers, he inserted himself into Dave's dreams and influenced reality from them. By using these powers, he willed himself into existence within the dreams of people across as many universes as possible, masterminding the surfacing of his true power from these manifestations, despite having his original soul cast into the void. Gamzee can subconsciously inflict nightmares and can insert himself into dreams to terrorize them) Immortality (Types 1, 2, 3, and 8; Has his soul cast in the void, where from their he can will himself into existence from the nightmares of people's dreams), Power Bestowal (Stated to boost the Condesce's power. Gave some of his power to Lord Jack.), Curse Manipulation (Cursed the Handmaid with Immortality), Non-Corporeal, Forcefield Creation (Has all the powers of the first guardians, who can do this.), Pocket Reality Manipulation, Technological Manipulation (Likely created the completely unhackable ~ATH program which is linked to his own existence. Doc Scratch is implied to be the creator of Scratchware, which is protected even from technologically advanced alien surveillance. Lil' Hal (one of ARquiusprite's components) was able to take control of other computers), Fire Manipulation (His components can produce fire), Size Manipulation (First Guardians can change size), Sleep Manipulation (Doc Scratch can put people to sleep), Space-Time Manipulation, Empathic Manipulation (Doc Scratch can induce friendship), Memory Manipulation (Doc Scratch can manipulate or wipe memories), Summoning (Arquiusprite can summon robotic horses, and Lord English can seemingly summon multicolored horses), Acausality Negation (Type 5, as he was able to physically contest with and eventually erase John Egbert, who has multiple times stated to completely transcend the confines of canon), Possession (Possesses Lord Jack), Teleportation and BFR (Type 1; Doc Scratch can do this), Nonexistent Physiology (Type 2; Equius has void powers akin to how John as wind powers. John can turn into sheer wind, meaning Equius could turn into sheer void. Summoned when the universe is completely destroyed. His soul was cast into the void), Danmaku (As he showcased it here), Resistance to Radiation Manipulation, Fear Manipulation and Dream Manipulation (Gamzee, like English, has blood flowing through his veins that inflicts nightmares, thus meaning they resist it), Space-Time Manipulation, Time Stop, and Plot Manipulation (Type 4: Doc Scratch is immune to be the other guy. Detached from the narrative), Omnipresence (Type 2. Stated that all outcomes are part of his being and Homestuck Book 6 states he has an all encompassing presence)
Standard Equipment: Cane that can morph into a gun, Juju Breaker | Golden Cane that can morph into a gun | All previous, Juju, Lil'Cal, Gamzee Makara | Green Sun Cane that can morph into an AK-47
Intelligence: Extremely cunning and clever with an understanding of space-time, but stuck in puberty, and is Immature | Same as before | Same as before, possibly Cosmic (Potentially has control of most of his powers at this point | Cosmic (Doc Scratch, who is part of him, consistently stated to be omniscient or near-omniscient. Dirkbot, also part of him, is "cyber-omniscient")
Standard Tactics: Caliborn attacks with his Juju, which negates the magical effects of an artifact in the timeline, or uses his rifle | As before | He begins by opening the Juju, sealing the souls of up to 4 targets into a Juju, then banishing it into somewhere into the furthest ring. Thereon, he usually uses energy projection | Lord English makes consistent use of his double death (Existence Erasure, Irreversible Damage, and Immortality/Regeneration Negation) ability (See note below)
Weaknesses: Caliborn is extremely immature and permanently stuck in puberty, and is also quick to being completely unreasonable | Same as before, Resurrection will not work if his death is deemed "Heroic" or "Just" | Same as his base (No longer bound the the Heroic or Just death system), very arrogant an underestimative of his opponents due to his newfound powers | With potent enough space-time manipulation (mainly, "glitches/paradoxes in space time") is able to allow you to harm him and ignore his plot shield. The Destruction of the Green Sun severely weakens Lord English and removes the plot shield completely. Is not in a complete state of nonexistence, only being able to turn completely nonexistent on thought.
Keys: Base | God-Tier | Post-Collide | Lord English
Note: There is some contention revolving around Lord English's starting move; In one scene, he opens up by punching a bunch of trolls, which mistakes many people thinking he doesn't open up with powers. However, this has several holes:
Caliborn's ranting foreshadowing...
...his ascension to godhood
Lord English's eyes turning into two 8-balls while weakened, in a reference to pool, since the 8-Ball is the last ball you want to knock out
Notable Victories:
Enerjak (Archie Comics) - Enerjak's profile (Both were at 2-A)
Notable Losses:
Ness (Mother 2) - Ness's profile (Both were at 9-A and speed was equalized)
Scott Pilgrim (Scott Pilgrim) - Scott Pilgrim's profile (First Key Caliborn and 8-A Subspace avatar Scott was used and speed was equalized)
Inconclusive Matches:
| “ | it is the day whereafter the legendary octet of mUtUal progenitoriety will come together and heal a great breach in paradox space. a day delivered throUgh eighty billion years and foUr distinct Universal instances worth of Unfathomable tUrbUlence. and while the emerald eye of this storm is fixed in the abyss forever today yoU are poised to escape its scowl once and for all. by skaias gUiding light, yoU may leave behind its tUrning arms of bright coloUrs and mayhem, and secUre peace for yoUr cosmic progeny for all dUration. and if yoU are to meet this departUre with trepidation i woUld Understand! bUt also i woUld ask is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind? | „ |
| “ | i was never meant to rise to the place he holds because the game was rigged. tilted in favor of his aspect. having gained immortality, i could sit forever in a spent dead session. | „ |
| “ | what you’ve described is a state of empirical ennui resulting from the material circumstances here. but the material circumstances of this world have no objective existential value. this world, unlike the canonical horrors from which it is hermetically insulated, will always fail to meet the combined criteria for truth, relevance, and essentiality that would endow this realm with any real gravity. its own naturally occurring supply of gravity, rather than the artificial supply i have given it. as such, what transpires here is characterized by experiential frivolity. physically, it is cordoned off by the black hole’s event horizon. it is safe. untouchable. inescapable. | „ |
Calliope is a character from Homestuck, who is a cherub and "sister" to Caliborn. Unlike her "brother", Calliope is more cheerful and seeks to help out the protagonist and give them advice.
In an alternate timeline, Calliope dominated her brother, however, she is more solemn than her original counterpart
Tier: 9-A | At least 2-C, likely 2-A. Low 1-A through Black Hole Creation | Low 1-A | Low 1-A
Name: Calliope, uraniumUmbra (Screen Name)
Origin: Homestuck
Gender: Agender/Hermaphodite, uses female pronouns
Age: 11 "units" | Unknown, but Older | Eternal
Classification: Cherub, Sburb Player | God-Tier | Supermassive Black Hole the size of Eternity itself | As before, Narrator
Attack Potency: Small Building level (Shouldn't be weaker than Sburb Players) | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (In an alternate timeline, she defeated Caliborn and swallowed his soul. As a Muse, she is superior to the other God-Tiers). Low Metaverse level through Black Hole Creation (Created a Black Hole the size of eternity that swallowed the Green Sun, the largest source of raw narrative in the multiverse. Doing this, Calliope severely weakened Lord English) | Low Metaverse level (Is merged with the Black Hole the size of eternity, capable of eating away at Paradox Space and completely destroyed the Furthest Ring, which includes an Hierarchy of Creators which is made up of stories where the lower ones "never happen" and are non-canon to them, along with transcendence being needed to climb the higher ones. This Hierarchy is suggested to be infinite in size, along with the term "Creators all the Down" being used twice, which is a reference to the term "Turtles all the way down", a statement of infinite regression.. Devoured Lord English and stated that she could beat him easily, even on his best day, albeit this is likely referring to weakened Lord English due to her never being overpower him prior to the end of Homestuck) | Low Metaverse level (After devouring Lord English, Calliope gained all of his powers. Overpowered Ultimate Dirk and called his narrative power impotent)
Dimensionality: 3-D | 3-D | Devoid | Devoid
Travel Speed: Supersonic+ | Extra-Temporal (Either fought against her brother evenly or ate his soul before he could react) | Irrevelant (Devoured Lord English before he could defend himself) | Irrevelant
Combat Speed: Supersonic+ | Extra-Temporal | Irrevelant | Irrevelant
Reaction Speed: Supersonic+ | Extra-Temporal | Irrevelant | Irrevelant
Lifting Strength: Unknown | Unknown | Irrevelant | Irrevelant
Striking Strength: Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | Low Metaverse level | Low Metaverse level
Durability: Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+. Immortality makes her difficult to kill (Should she be killed, she shall reincarnate as a black hole the size of eternity) | Low Metaverse level level | At least Low Metaverse level
Stamina: Unknown | Limitless
Range: Unknown | Low Metaverse level
All previous powers to a greater extent, Sburb Player Physiology (Type 2; Muse of Space), Black Hole Creation, Soul Manipulation and (Ate her brother's soul), Power Nullification (Nullified her alternate self's shapeshifting), Immortality (Type 3 and 8: Even after being swallowed by a black hole, she reincarnated as it later)
All previous to a greater extent, Higher-Dimensional Existence (Exist above the multiverse, and even above Aradia Megido), Nonexistent Physiology (Type 3; Exist as a black hole the size of eternity, representing pure void, lacking any infinity), Large Size (Type 10) and Omnipresence (Type 2: Is a black hole the size of eternity), Possession, Power Absorption
All previous powers to a greater extent, as well as Lord English's powers, Plot Manipulation (Type 5) and Causality Manipulation (Controls the narrative and its casuality, giving it a "artificial supply of gravity"), Text Manipulation
Standard Equipment: Wand
Intelligence: Unknown | Above Average (Has knowledge over what a dead session is) | As before | Cosmic (Gained all the powers and intelligence as her brother)
Standard Tactics: Unknown | Calliope will open up with Soul Manipulation | As before, will absorb the powers of those who she swallows | Calliope will make her opponent narratively insignificant
Weaknesses: Extremely solemn and emotionless
Key: Base | God-Tier | Epilogues | After Devouring Lord English
Notable Victories:
Notable Losses:
Inconclusive Matches:
