This is what the Homestuck profiles would look like in DatAttack's proposal
"Mature Content"
This character or verse has mature themes and concepts, thus those of young age are ill-advised to look through these.
“
I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING.
BUT THAT'S OK.
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER.
IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT.
SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK.
WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS.
WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME.
„
~ Caliborn
“
I WILL DUEL AND CRUSH MY SLITHERING SEXUAL SNAKE BOSS, AND FINISH WHAT I STARTED WHEN I STEPPED MY METAL FOOT INTO THIS CHILDREN'S FARCE. I WILL DO THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO, AND WHEN THAT IS SAID AND DONE, AND YOU SEE ME AT THE PEAK OF A MOUNTAIN OF TROPHIES, RESTING ON MY THRONE OF PRIZES, I WANT TO GET TO TELL YOU THAT I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO. SO IF YOU REMEMBER JUST ONE THING I SAY, OF SO MANY GREAT THINGS SAID BY ME, THEN PLEASE REMEMBER THIS.
IT WAS FORETOLD. BY THE MASTERPIECE I MADE. WHEN I WAS BUT A BOY.
(...) BE QUIET.
I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST INTERRUPTED A GROUNDBREAKING INTERPRETIVE ART PIECE.
IT WAS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. PERFORMED ONLY ONCE. AND MADE MORE VALUABLE FOR ITS RARENESS.
(...) I SAID SHUT UP. IT’S RUDE TO TALK THROUGH THE OVERTURE.
BUT DON’T WORRY. ALTHOUGH YOU MISSED MY VERY IMPORTANT DANCE DEMONSTRATION.
WHICH WAS AN UNPRECEDENTED ACT OF GENIUS. AND NOT AT ALL EMBARRASSING.
NOW YOU WILL PARTICIPATE IN SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.
BY NOW, SURELY MANY HAVE WITNESSED MY MASTERPIECE.
AS IT HAS CIRCULATED THROUGH THE BLACK VEINS. OF THE DARK WEB.
TRILLIONS HAVE WITNESSED ITS MAJESTY. HATERS AND FOOLS ALIKE.
AND THEY HAVE BEEN RENDERED AGOG.
BY MY ART VIRTUOSITY. MY CLAYSMANSHIP. AND MY WRESTLING MOVES.
BUT NOW. THE TIME HAS COME.
FOR EVERYONE TO SHUT UP ABOUT HOW GREAT MY MASTERPIECE WAS.
AND THE TIME IS NOW AT HAND...
FOR YOU ALL TO BECOME MY MASTERPIECE!
„
“
GIRL.
YOU THERE. GIRL.
GIRL, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME BEFORE I ARRIVE?
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO OUTRUN ME
WHEN I AM ALREADY HERE?
„
Background
Caliborn is the true antagonist of Homestuck. He is one of the two Cherub Sburb players, alongside of his sister, Calliope. With burning hatred for his sister, he hired an alternate version of Jack Noir to kill her, prevailing in the battle of the two, then begins his quest of LOCAM (Land of Colors and Mayhem) to begin his quest for godhood.
By swiftly taking his own life on his quest bed, he ascends to God-Tier shortly afterwards: Becoming the Lord of Time. From thereon, he begins to mess with the narrative until confronted by John Egbert. After being defeated by John, Caliborn continues his quest to Godhood, defeating Yaldaboath, and gaining his treasure. By destroying the grandfather clock and absorbing the Juju's power, he becomes an ascended God-Tier, beginning his "masterpiece", where he summons the beta and alpha kids.
After sealing the former away in the juju (and then banishing the treasure to the Furthest Ring, making it extremely difficult to be found), he proceeds to stomp the latter until Jake English used the field of hope to knock him down, Arquius making a suprise appearence to hold him down, and Dirk Strider to start to extract his soul from his body. Allowing this to happen, Caliborn allows the soul of himself, Arquiusprite, and one half of Gamzee Makara to be sealed in to Lil' Cal, then travel all the way back in time, allowing to plant the seeds of his existence into unsuspecting people, allowing himself to will himself into existence once the universe is destroyed, becoming Lord English, an indestructible demon that proceeds to destroy all of existence to secure his own.
Powers and Stats
Tier: 9-A physically. 8-A with weapons | At least 2-C, likely 2-A | At least 2-C, likely 2-A, possibly far higher | 1-B
Name: Caliborn, undyingUmbrarage (screen name) | Lord of Time | The Lordling, "Kid/Young Lord English" | Lord English ("LE" for short), Angel of Double Death, Lord of Time, Father Time, Invisible/Unseen Riddler, the "Anti-Narrative"
Travel Speed: Supersonic+ (Comparable to the other Sburb Players) | Extra-Temporal (Fought evenly with God-Tier John Egbert) | Extra-Temporal (Superior to before, sealed the Beta Kids before they could react and stomped on all the Alpha Kids) | Extra-Temporal
Striking Strength:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+, possibly far higher | Transverse level
Durability:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (Tanked many hits from John Egbert) | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+, possibly far higher (Not even Jake's hope field could scratch him) | Transverse level (Can only be harmed by the Ultimate Weapon, implied to be alive after the furthest ring collapsed on him)
Stamina: Very Higher. Trekked LOCAM without any signs of exhaustion | Higher | Limitless | Limitless (Slaughters Dark Gods on a daily basis, never showing signs of exhaustion throughout the series
Range: Standard Melee, Higher with Rifle, High Multiversal with Mind Control (Can control Jack from another session), Transverse level with passive fate/causality/probability/plot manipulation (they affect all of Paradox Space, including the stack of creators) | High Multiverse level, possibly High Multiverse level+, Transverse level with passives | High Multiverse level, likely High Multiverse level+, Transverse level with passives | Transverse level
Standard Equipment: Cane that can morph into a gun, Juju Breaker | Golden Cane that can morph into a gun | All previous, Juju, Lil'Cal, Gamzee Makara | Green Sun Cane that can morph into an AK-47
Intelligence: Extremely cunning and clever with an understanding of space-time, but stuck in puberty, and is Immature | Same as before | Same as before, possibly Cosmic (Potentially has control of most of his powers at this point | Cosmic (Doc Scratch, who is part of him, consistently stated to be omniscient or near-omniscient. Dirkbot, also part of him, is "cyber-omniscient")
Standard Tactics: Caliborn attacks with his Juju, which negates the magical effects of an artifact in the timeline, or uses his rifle | As before | He begins by opening the Juju, sealing the souls of up to 4 targets into a Juju, then banishing it into somewhere into the furthest ring. Thereon, he usually uses energy projection | Lord English makes consistent use of his double death (Existence Erasure, Irreversible Damage, and Immortality/Regeneration Negation) ability (See note below)
Weaknesses: Caliborn is extremely immature and permanently stuck in puberty, and is also quick to being completely unreasonable | Same as before, Resurrection will not work if his death is deemed "Heroic" or "Just" | Same as his base (No longer bound the the Heroic or Just death system), very arrogant an underestimative of his opponents due to his newfound powers | With potent enough space-time manipulation (mainly, "glitches/paradoxes in space time") is able to allow you to harm him and ignore his plot shield. The Destruction of the Green Sun severely weakens Lord English and removes the plot shield completely. Is not in a complete state of nonexistence, only being able to turn completely nonexistent on thought.
Keys:Base | God-Tier | Post-Collide | Lord English
Note: There is some contention revolving around Lord English's starting move; In one scene, he opens up by punching a bunch of trolls, which mistakes many people thinking he doesn't open up with powers. However, this has several holes:
That was not the very beginning of the fight: Prior to this, Lord English uses double death on Karkat, who is only 9-A with little hax.
The reason why Lord English resorted to punching was likely due to PIS; Lord English could've easily destroyed the dream bubble along with the Ghost Army with it, but instead resorting to physicals due to how it took place in [S] Collide, Homestuck's final battle, meaning it must be cinematic, and Lord English effortlessly destroying them all would be in character, but very anti-climatic for a final battle, thus the animators made him mix it up with physical attacks and double death rather than nuking the entire dream bubble with double death
Gallery
Caliborn's ranting foreshadowing...
...his ascension to godhood
Lord English's eyes turning into two 8-balls while weakened, in a reference to pool, since the 8-Ball is the last ball you want to knock out
it is the day whereafter the legendary octet of mUtUal progenitoriety will come together and heal a great breach in paradox space. a day delivered throUgh eighty billion years and foUr distinct Universal instances worth of Unfathomable tUrbUlence. and while the emerald eye of this storm is fixed in the abyss forever today yoU are poised to escape its scowl once and for all. by skaias gUiding light, yoU may leave behind its tUrning arms of bright coloUrs and mayhem, and secUre peace for yoUr cosmic progeny for all dUration. and if yoU are to meet this departUre with trepidation i woUld Understand! bUt also i woUld ask is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?
„
“
i was never meant to rise to the place he holds because the game was rigged. tilted in favor of his aspect. having gained immortality, i could sit forever in a spent dead session.
„
“
what you’ve described is a state of empirical ennui resulting from the material circumstances here. but the material circumstances of this world have no objective existential value. this world, unlike the canonical horrors from which it is hermetically insulated, will always fail to meet the combined criteria for truth, relevance, and essentiality that would endow this realm with any real gravity. its own naturally occurring supply of gravity, rather than the artificial supply i have given it. as such, what transpires here is characterized by experiential frivolity. physically, it is cordoned off by the black hole’s event horizon. it is safe. untouchable. inescapable.
„
Background
Calliope is a character from Homestuck, who is a cherub and "sister" to Caliborn. Unlike her "brother", Calliope is more cheerful and seeks to help out the protagonist and give them advice.
In an alternate timeline, Calliope dominated her brother, however, she is more solemn than her original counterpart
Travel Speed:Supersonic+ | Extra-Temporal (Either fought against her brother evenly or ate his soul before he could react) | Extra-Temporal (Devoured Lord English before he could defend himself) | Extra-Temporal
Striking Strength:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | Tranverse level | Tranverse level
Durability:Small Building level | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+. Immortality makes her difficult to kill (Should she be killed, she shall reincarnate as a black hole the size of eternity) | Tranverse level | Tranverse level
Intelligence:Unknown | Above Average (Has knowledge over what a dead session is) | As before | Cosmic (Gained all the powers and intelligence as her brother)
Standard Tactics: Unknown | Calliope will open up with Soul Manipulation | As before, will absorb the powers of those who she swallows | Calliope will make her opponent narratively insignificant
Weaknesses: Extremely solemn and emotionless
Key: Base | God-Tier | Epilogues | After Devouring Lord English
Battle Records
Notable Victories:
Notable Losses:
Inconclusive Matches:
"Mature Content"
This character or verse has mature themes and concepts, thus those of young age are ill-advised to look through these.
“
And statements like that are also why you're our leader. But only in name and in spirit. Less so, functionally. If it puts your mind at ease, I'll be the one pulling the strings here.
„
~ Dirk Strider to Jane Crocker
“
DIRK: Ask me anything. Go ahead. I'll give you a straight answer.
DAVE: alright. here goes. why are we so fucking awesome?
DIRK: Dave. That's the best fucking question, anybody ever asked.
Dirk Strider is a protagonist from MS Paint Adventures' Homestuck, and is the post-scratch "Bro" of Dave Strider. He is a known fanatic of puppets, and he and Dave commonly make ironic jokes to one another. He eventually obtains God Tier within the system.
Travel Speed:Supersonic+ (Comparable to other characters on his level, was making afterimages at high speeds and cut bullets in half) | Extra-Temporal | Extra-Temporal (Views the concept of distance, space, time, and direction as illusionary)
This character or verse has mature themes and concepts, thus those of young age are ill-advised to look through these.
“
jeez.
i don't know. i...
i don't know if i'm ready for every single "deep" conversation we can squeeze into this wacky rapid fire session of fun pal-talk!
„
~ John Egbert
Background
John Egbert is the main protagonist of Homestuck. On his 13th birthday, he received a beta copy of Sburb, and decides to play it with three of his friends. Little do they know, the fate of existence relies on their gameplay...
Powers and Stats
Tier:9-A. 6-C with Wind Powers | 2-C, likely 2-A | At least 2-C, likely 2-A physically. Unknown with the Retcon Powers, 1-B through creating "The Blackout"
Travel Speed:Supersonic+ (Comparable to characters such as Dirk Strider, who scales to characters would can slice a wave of bullets) | Extra-Temporal (Fought evenly against Jack Noir) | Extra-Temporal
Lifting Strength:Superhuman (Able to lift many large and heavy hammers)
Striking Strength:Small Building level | Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ | At least High Multiverse level, likely High Multiverse level+
Durability:Small Building level | Complex Universe level, likely Multiverse level+ | At least Complex Universe level, likely High Multiverse level+ (Tanked blows fromThe Condesce). Acausality and Reality Seperation makes him difficult to interact with, and Immortality makes him difficult to kill
Stamina: Very high (Can fight with hordes of enemies for extended periods without getting tired, as well as endure massive amounts of punishment from opponents considerably stronger than himself and quickly get back on his feet) | Limitless | Limitless
Range: Standard melee range, extended melee range with the hammers in his Strife Specibus. Up to tens of kilometers with Windy Powers (Created a windstorm that covered the entire Land of Wind and Shade, which is the size of Rhode Island or Connecticut) | High Multiverse level, likely High Multiverse level+ | High Multiverse level, likely High Multiverse level+, Transverse level with the Retcon Powers
Standard Equipment: His Sylladex, Pendant, Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gushers, Rocket Pack, and Strife Specibus
“
You got the POGO HAMMER.
„
~ Narration when John obtains the Pogo Hammer
Pogo Hammer: The first weapon that John alchemizes, the Pogo Hammer is a combination of a simple claw hammer and John's Green Slime Ghost Pogo. By rhythmically bouncing back and forth using it, John can increase his power and speed, and he can use it to traverse gaps by hitting the ground with it hard enough.
“
You make the WRINKLEFUCKER.
„
~ Narration when John makes the Wrinklefucker
Wrinklefucker: The upgraded form of John's Pogo Hammer, this weapon is a combination of the Pogo Hammer and an iron. It is much more controlled and far more powerful than the Pogo Hammer.
“
You make the TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER, at pretty considerable expense. This thing could probably pound an ogre into crudeburger. Of course you have no hope of lifting it whatsoever.
„
~ Narration when John makes the Sassacrusher
Telescopic Sassacrusher: A combination of a sledgehammer, the hilariously oversized Sassacre Text, and a telescope. It is far too heavy for base John to lift, so he uses his Remote Ghost Gauntlets to lift it instead.
“
You use the alchemiter's scaling upgrade to reduce it to a more manageable and affordable size. You make a weapon called FEAR NO ANVIL.
„
~ Narration when John makes Fear No Anvil
Fear No Anvil: An extremely powerful weapon which Davesprite stole from Hephaestus. It has limited time stop capabilities; anything that it strikes is temporarily frozen in time.
“
You got the WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO.
„
~ Narration when John makes the Warhammer of Zillyhoo
Warhammer of Zillyhoo: This hammer is one of the seven legendary weapons of Cherubim folklore, and represents its namesake continent.
“
In your hands is a weapon you haven’t thought about in a long time: the Pop-a-matic Vrillyhoo. It hums with both tricksy energy and the barely contained potential for mischief.
„
~ Narration when John uses the this weapon in the Epilogues against Lord English
Pop-a-matic Vrillyhoo Hammer: John's final and most powerful hammer, capable of killing the strongest enemy he has faced directly in combat so far (Barring Bec Noir and possibly Typheus) in a single hit, as well as deal damage to Bec Noir. It was presumably alchemized from the Warhammer of Zillyhoo and Vriska's Fluorite Octet. Whenever it strikes someone, the dice in the popping mechanism are rolled, and something special happens based on the results of the roll. When it was used against Bec Noir, it gave him a Ridiculous Hat.
Intelligence:Above Average (John is by far one of the most creative of the main characters; from the beginning, he shows more innovative prowess in combining objects than everyone else, he demonstrates this even before the introduction of the alchemiter with his poster-nailing and harlequin-funniness-amplifying abilities)
Weaknesses: Highly allergic to peanuts, and is excessively naive and gullible, with this flaw having led to his death in an alternate timeline